Friday, September 10, 2010

In a boat with a nun, a monkey, and a midget that looks like Ray Liota

I recently had a dream that I was lost on a lake and couldn't see the shore. It was very dark. The clouds moved with the breeze and the full moon illuminated the face of Ray Liota. He was a midget and he was laughing at me. Behind him sat an old nun. She had her eyes closed. She looked dead. On her lap sat a monkey.

Years ago during after-work-drinks, some of my slightly insane coworkers and I were discussing our irrational fears. Mine are wonderful. I've made friends with them over the years.
Tunnels (especially if you can't see the light)
Bridges (especially if they are huge and carrying a lot of traffic. I was a wreck when that bridge in Minnesota collapsed a few years ago. Hello. My Nightmare.)
Nuns (creepy praying singing black robed stern judgmental nuns)
Midgets (I don't understand this.)
Ray Liota (If I saw him in real life, I would scream and run away.)
Monkeys (Like tiny hairy humans. I think they are smarter than they let on. Planet of the Apes was nightmare material for me.)
Coffins (duh.)
Mist at night (Ever since I saw what's on the wrong side of the French Quarter in the middle of a misty winter night, I just don't like any kind of mist in the dark at all.)
Raccoons (Rodents that wash their food. Really?)
and.....Boats.

I don't like to be in a boat. I don't really know why. It occurred to me recently that my boat-hating is possibly being passed on to my kids. So last weekend, we went to "the beach" (in Iowa that's a lake beach) and rented a little flat bottomed boat with a lawn mower engine attached to it. We were in that boat for 56 minutes and I had approximately 42 panic attacks. But the little girls were so excited! I dare say I've never seen them beam like that. So, next weekend we are doing it again. Victoria was very helpful. Some of her goodies:

"Mom! What happens if you fall in? Mom! You can't really swim very well, right!"
"Momma!!! Can I put my arm in the water? My leg? Can I sit on the edge of the boat! I won't fall in. I PROMISE!"
"Mom! Let's get our own boat! We could live here and have a dock and swim in the lake EVERY DAY!"
"Mooooooom!!! How DEEP is this water! I can't see in it! What's in there? Fish? BIG Fish? Snakes? Mom? Are there snakes??"
"Can I take my life jacket off?
"What if one of those big boats hits us?"

56 minutes of questions....her little sister just nodded and repeated.
Upon our exit, I resisted the urge to sit down on solid ground and cry.
Later, Victoria said, "The bed feels like a boat. It's moving. You love boats don't you. I can just tell. Let's go again next weekend.
To which I replied, "Of course. No problem."